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Literature Text
It happened once, long ago
Or so it seems to me;
That we were strangers who didn't know
Who we were meant to be.
When our hearts collided
Our heads turned round,
Then we decided
It was love we found.
Our friends were snappy
And the road was rough,
But we were happy
Until you said enough.
It's back and forth,
Like turning tables.
We can't find North
And I'm unstable
My mind is slowly slipping,
It's falling from my grasp.
This heart is through with ripping
It's finally dealt it's last.
I'm trying hard not to care-
What pain is it when a rose dies?
But what we had was truly rare,
So I'm reading between the lies.
Or so it seems to me;
That we were strangers who didn't know
Who we were meant to be.
When our hearts collided
Our heads turned round,
Then we decided
It was love we found.
Our friends were snappy
And the road was rough,
But we were happy
Until you said enough.
It's back and forth,
Like turning tables.
We can't find North
And I'm unstable
My mind is slowly slipping,
It's falling from my grasp.
This heart is through with ripping
It's finally dealt it's last.
I'm trying hard not to care-
What pain is it when a rose dies?
But what we had was truly rare,
So I'm reading between the lies.
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I'm sorry for how... different this poem is from my usual style.
It was a five minute poem, one that put itself together.
It's basically the story of my love life.
That's all I have to say about that.
It was a five minute poem, one that put itself together.
It's basically the story of my love life.
That's all I have to say about that.
© 2012 - 2024 LassieBob
Comments10
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VISION: 5/5
You've really captured the emotions and motion of a serious relationship starting, and the abrupt way ending it can effect the people involved.
ORIGINALITY: 5/5
The two cliches you reverse are "roses" and "turning tables." It is refreshing to see these concepts used to highlight what the relationship was like, instead of using them to describe people.
Also, the use of direction, in inability to find North really highlights how lost the Speaker feels, and is a concept that I definitely relate to. I think that's the heart of the poem, how lost one can feel after a relationship is ended for whatever reason. I was in this situation two years ago, so I definitely appreciate the unique way you've framed the feeling of loss and being lost.
TECHNIQUE 4.5/5
Grammar: The simplicity of your word choice shows that you've chosen each word with car, constructed the poem to highlight the content rather than the technique.
Line 20
It's finally dealt its last.
^ This line talks about the action of the heart, the heart itself deals. You originally have the conjunction 'it's,' which means 'it is.' What you meant to say was the possessive from of the word: 'its'.
Rhyme Scheme: You establish the A,B,A,B C,D,C,D, (etc.) rhyme to a 't.' The poem moves along with a whimsical motion, yet the rhymes also highlight the heavy weight of the situation and loss the Speaker (the voice of the poem) feels toward the Subject (the person to whom the Speaker talks or about whom the Speaker talks: in this case a Romantic-X).
IMPACT: 5/5
I find it interesting that there are two types of lies captured in this poem, in the ending line:
"So I'm reading between the lies."
There are the lies one tells one's self during a relationship that makes an individual want to stay with that person. Then there are the lies one searches for after the relationship ends to try and rationalize the possibility of getting back together with the person. I think both of those lies are present between the lines of this poem, what is left unsaid, a.k.a. the mateiral the reader inevitablity adds in when they read the poem and relate to their personal experience.