literature

If I Was Honest (93)

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LassieBob's avatar
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Literature Text

If I was honest,
I'd tell you my past.
If I were true,
I'd say we could last.

If I could tell you of me;
Of I,
I'd raise you up higher,
And help you to fly.

If I was honest,
I'd hold you so tight.
If I were gentle,
I'd walk in the light.

If I could whisper of you;
Of me,
I'd hold you so gently,
Oh darling don't leave.

If I was honest,
I'd rip you to pieces.
If I weren't frightening,
I'd smooth all our creases.

If I could give you of me;
My all,
I know that we'd vanish,
Your innocence would fall.
This poem is absolutely nutty-
I don't really know where it came from.

I wanted to express a relationship where the boy didn't want the girl to know everything, he didn't want her to see the real him because he was afraid she'd leave him and be crushed. But there's also some part inside of him that knows she wouldn't leave him, and he's just being insecure.

I guess it's a part telling of my own story, just... Not quite.

Part of my 100 themes.
#93- "If"
© 2012 - 2024 LassieBob
Comments13
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H-A-Cooke's avatar
VISION: 4/5 f

The complexities of human emotion are caught within the rhyme scheme of your poem. The expert crafting of each line allows the reader to weaver in her/his/their own life experience. Not giving specifics, but instead expanding the emotional concepts really allows this piece to translate well to larger audiences.

ORIGINALITY: 4/5

There is grit and the hint of a whole human nature in this piece. There is no sugar coating by the Speaker to create unrealistic expectations for his possible lover. What sticks out to me the most is how the tone changed from vulnerable and open to harsh and closed off between Stanza 4 and Stanza 5.  The lines that I relate to the most are:

"If I was honest,
I'd rip you to pieces.
If I weren't frightening,
I'd smooth all our creases."

^ Unfortunately, not many people are willing to accept and embrace the darker part of them. The part that strikes out unexpectedly to deal damage - the part of our conscious selves that erases regret when harsh lessons need to be taught or the truth said in the face of creating honest relationships. I like how it's juxtaposed against the human reaction of "smoothing the flaws (or creases)".  Because, as Bastille says, "without them we'd be doomed." 

^ I also like the repetition of  "If" and  "was."  Both those words, small yet mighty, clearly point to the fact the Speaker may not be honest or may not be doing all she/he/they can do to make the relationship honest and to put themselves into it to make it worth while.

TECHNIQUE:  4/5

Direct Rhymes:

Each stanza in linked through direct rhyme, except for Stanza 2 and  Stanza 4.   Interwoven with the repetition of  "If I was/ If I could", the direct rhymes create a strong concept-net, which in turn allows the reader to fall into the Speaker's mindset and to remember at time when she/he/they have experienced or felt the exact same way.

Stanza 2

If I could tell you of me;
Of I,
I'd raise you up high,
And help you to fly.

^  Deviation from Rhyme Scheme: 'higher' (direct rhyme (which is grammatically incorrect):  'flier').

The reason an early deviation from the direct rhymes doesn't work, is because the though process is interrupted. And to fix it you would have to change 'fly' to 'flier,' which get across a completely different message than you're intending.

 From a poet's perspective: once you devote yourself to a rhyme scheme and rhythm you want to preserve it at all costs. Unless a deviation from it is being used to signal a change in tone (Shakespeare often changed tone in his Sonnets, while still maintaining 10 Syllables a line and a fixed rhyme scheme) or mood. Which I don't believe is happening in stanza 2.

Stanza 4

If I could whisper of you;
Of me,
I'd hold you so gently,
Oh darling don't leave.

^  In contrast, Stanza 4 signals a change. Deviating from the direct rhyme scheme here actually serves to strengthen the poem.  The Speaker goes from confident and vulnerable to just vulnerable. And, at the basis of this vulnerability is: Fear.  Fear of the person leaving, fear of the person not taking the initiative to fight past the negative parts of the relationship to get to the meaningful bits.

IMPACT: 5/5

There is so much about this piece that speaks to all ages. For me, having had my last significant other cheat on me (then tell me I didn't try hard enough to make our relationship work), to now starting a new relationship with my sweet and adoring boyfriend of two months -  I've attached to this piece because I think it says everything I'm experiencing and feeling at this current moment. The fear of a new relationship. Underlying wounds and self doubt from the previous relationship now working.

But overall, the tone I get from this, despite the fact that once involved in a serious relationship, is:   Hope. Yes, innocence is lost immediately when betrayal or hurt takes place. But overall, I sense Hope: hope that all experience taken into account, love and friendship are possible. And that given the change to respond the lover would say exactly the same things: this is me, take it our leave it, because I love you and am willing to trust in you despite all the hurt and despite the fact that future hurt will occur.