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Submitted on
April 10, 2012
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It rises up above me,
Laying here at night.
A question I can't answer,
That has no wrong or right.

Shining in the starlight,
Burning in the sun
I wonder if there's life,
In this thing that we've begun.

My daisy holds no answer-
It simply hangs its head.
The question is in my heart
That cries in silent dread.

Your eyes pour into mine
I wonder if you know.
Is this just an age old shrine;
Will you love me or let me go?
Once again, thought this up at midnight last night.
Pretty self-explanatory...
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:iconwillowoshawottsprite:
WillowOshawottSprite Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
so beautiful... i might cry!
gorgous pictures in my head! :sniff:
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:iconlassiebob:
LassieBob Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Student Photographer
D'aww... =] Thank you.
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:iconwillowoshawottsprite:
WillowOshawottSprite Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No Prob :squee:
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Vision:

You have described the fear of trusting someone with your heart. The structure of the poem really helps to highlight each point you make about relationships.

Originality:

Lines 9 - 10:

"My daisy holds no answer-
It simply hangs its head."


You have taken the cliche of using flowers in the "He Love Me/He Loves Me Not" game and turned the meaning on its head. The cold reality of the images and words adds a level of emotional gravity and hope to the piece.

Technique:

One suggestion I have, about word choice, is for Line 13: "Your eyes pore into my mine."

^ Pore: a small, barely perceptible and round gap in the skin which can let in dirt. It can grow in size depending on the amount of grease or dirt in the skin.

I think you meant: Your eyes deeply look into mine.

^ If this is what you meant I suggest you change "pore" to "pour."

Revision: Your eyes pour into mine.

Impact:

The use of traditional form gets the reader in tune with the Speaker's thoughts and goals. I can relate to the piece; and I think that a larger crowd, or everyone, can relate to the fear, uncertainty and slightly cliche action of falling in love. This has the potential to reach a large audience of all ages.
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:iconlassiebob:
LassieBob Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Student Photographer
Thank you for this critique- It means a lot to me that you took the time to look this deeply into it. :thanks:
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! I really enjoyed and related well to your poem. I thought I'd let you know what I've learned and give you some good feedback! I know I always feel good when I receive feedback from someone!
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:iconlassiebob:
LassieBob Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Student Photographer
I'm glad you liked it =]
It really did make my day- I love feedback, even if the mistakes are pretty embarrassing :blush:
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Don't worry! Want to know a secret? I make mistakes all the time! And, in terms of poetry there really aren't mistakes unless you are working within a traditional or a fixed form of poetry. There are just some different meanings to punctuation that's all.
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