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Submitted on
April 10, 2012
File Size
611 bytes


15 (who?)
It rises up above me,
Laying here at night.
A question I can't answer,
That has no wrong or right.

Shining in the starlight,
Burning in the sun
I wonder if there's life,
In this thing that we've begun.

My daisy holds no answer-
It simply hangs its head.
The question is in my heart
That cries in silent dread.

Your eyes pour into mine
I wonder if you know.
Is this just an age old shrine;
Will you love me or let me go?
Once again, thought this up at midnight last night.
Pretty self-explanatory...
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WillowOshawottSprite Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
so beautiful... i might cry!
gorgous pictures in my head! :sniff:
LassieBob Sep 3, 2012  Student Photographer
D'aww... =] Thank you.
WillowOshawottSprite Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No Prob :squee:
H-A-Cooke Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist

You have described the fear of trusting someone with your heart. The structure of the poem really helps to highlight each point you make about relationships.


Lines 9 - 10:

"My daisy holds no answer-
It simply hangs its head."

You have taken the cliche of using flowers in the "He Love Me/He Loves Me Not" game and turned the meaning on its head. The cold reality of the images and words adds a level of emotional gravity and hope to the piece.


One suggestion I have, about word choice, is for Line 13: "Your eyes pore into my mine."

^ Pore: a small, barely perceptible and round gap in the skin which can let in dirt. It can grow in size depending on the amount of grease or dirt in the skin.

I think you meant: Your eyes deeply look into mine.

^ If this is what you meant I suggest you change "pore" to "pour."

Revision: Your eyes pour into mine.


The use of traditional form gets the reader in tune with the Speaker's thoughts and goals. I can relate to the piece; and I think that a larger crowd, or everyone, can relate to the fear, uncertainty and slightly cliche action of falling in love. This has the potential to reach a large audience of all ages.
LassieBob Sep 3, 2012  Student Photographer
Thank you for this critique- It means a lot to me that you took the time to look this deeply into it. :thanks:
H-A-Cooke Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! I really enjoyed and related well to your poem. I thought I'd let you know what I've learned and give you some good feedback! I know I always feel good when I receive feedback from someone!
LassieBob Sep 4, 2012  Student Photographer
I'm glad you liked it =]
It really did make my day- I love feedback, even if the mistakes are pretty embarrassing :blush:
H-A-Cooke Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Don't worry! Want to know a secret? I make mistakes all the time! And, in terms of poetry there really aren't mistakes unless you are working within a traditional or a fixed form of poetry. There are just some different meanings to punctuation that's all.
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